My husband spent last summer studying for his core exams for his Ph.D. During that time, there seemed to be this huge cloud of uncertainty looming above us regarding our future. Wouldhe pass the exams? If he did not pass, what did the future hold for us? If he did not pass, we figured we would need to move out of our family housing complex, but where would we go? would he get a job in this crazy market? Questions, questions, questions! I must say, though, by the time that he finished taking his last exam, I think we were all relieved that the process was complete . . .whether he passed or not! Then, August 11, the day after he took his final exam, we learned that I was pregnant.
"Really, God??" was my first reaction. While I know that every child is a miracle, to be honest, I was not really in the mood for that kind of miracle. My long lost Uncle Fred leaving me a significant monetary inheritance is more along the lines of the kind of miracle I would have preferred at that moment. I don't really have an Uncle Fred, but you get my drift. I was worried about my ability to care for four children (two of which would be under the age of 2 years, for a short time) while my hubby was still in school (full-time). I concerned myself with what others would say or think, and I know another child would affect us financially as we were already struggling in that area. In short, I was overwhelmed. . . with stuff that really did not matter. After reading and meditating over Psalms 127 and 139, God reminded me that while this was a surprise to me and in my opinion, not perfect timing, He had this in the works all along. Actually, this was perfect timing as that's just how He rolls. I was also reminded that children are blessings. . .period. . .and, that he would give whatever I needed (i.e. a extra large dose of patience) to care for my children. By the way, my husband was not concerned in the least, but was filled with joy and excitement at the thought of expanding our family. He has always wanted a large family. So, imagine our initial reactions when on September 9, we discovered that we were having twins! My husband could not have been more elated. I, however, . . .well, let me just say, I had to go back to Psalms 127 and 139 for a bit of review.
From the time I was a teenager, I had always envisioned my life as a career woman. . .ya know that kind of woman often portrayed as a woman who has it all. But, from the moment I knew we were having twins, it seemed to somehow solidify (for me) God's high calling on my life to be a mom to five precious children. Since I was considered to be high-risk for a number of reasons, we had the privilege of seeing our babies, via ultrasound, grow from "little beans" to little active people with heads, arms, and legs. While still overwhelmed, I felt highly favored by God to be carrying identical twins. At the same time, my husband was researching reviews on double strollers, sharing with me the bedding options for multiples, as well as predicting the gender (poor guy, we may end up having to get him a dog named "Bruiser" or something like that) and the birthdate of our babies.
Sadly, on October 18, we went for a scheduled ultrasound appointment to discover that our precious twins had died. Devastated does not begin to describe what we were feeling. What on Earth was God doing? What happened? How could this have been avoided? Why had God allowed us to get so attached to our babies in just 6 weeks only to take them away from us? Were they boys or girls? Was this a consequence of me not being excited about them in the beginning? Due to the type of twins they were (they shared the same sac with no membrane in between to separate them, otherwise known as "mono-mono" twins), it was easy for them to get caught up in each others' cords. My doctor said that there was nothing we could have done differently to prevent that from happening. At that point, my devastation turned to anger at God. I could not have prevented their deaths, but certainly The God of The Universe could have, but He did not. While I never questioned His existence, I did begin to question the kind of God I had been serving all of these years. . . (to be continued)
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28 NKJV
